I am looking for this CD: Ionosphere - The Stellar Winds

..a dead, silent , transmission echoes in deep dark space. Black it is, completely black. Not in a scary bad way. No, in an empty, it's too large to even consider such simple issues as scary, bad, or good-way. Insanely huge, tall structures, monoliths, rise into the unfathomable distance, and you can hear them roar, drone, go brrrrrrrr - not on purpose or actively. They just do it because that's what things do when they are that huge and tall.

..you can also hear creeks and infintly deep bass filled cracks, as if a vulcano that is the size of a millions Suns is slowly moving, errupting. It's an empty place, that's cold and warm at the same time. And here is the deal: you are so fucking small and insignificant compared to even a millionth part of the tinyest object in this place, that your understanding of how warm, cold or empty it is, is entirely completely insignificant. You don't exist there, and it is not by any means on any level important compared to the structures and phenomena in that place.

This is how Lustmord - Heresy makes you feel. And this is how Gustaf Hildebrand's Heliopause album makes you feel.

Do you then want to know how Ionosphere - The Stellar Winds album makes me feel? I haven't got a fucking idea! Because I don't have it! And I can't find it for sale anywhere on the internet. So if you know someone who needs some cash, or someone who knows someone who needs it, let me know. Of course, I haven't allowed comments in this place, because maybe I like silence, or maybe I don't know how. So you will have to send a message to me at @gmail.com (the name's Fishermang).

Thank you. 

Weird shit I find in Wasteland 2

So yeah, amigossss..

This Wasteland is weird. First thing I noticed it has a lot of shit. Bird shit. Animal shit. Mutated bird shit and mutated animal shit. Just lying here and there, piles of it. I thought it was weird, and that I maybe should collect each unique shit, but then it was revealed to me that all these different kinds of shit are for a specific quest. So hence, shit no longer qualifies as weird, in Wasteland 2:

all kinds of shit

a) Otherwise I found a turtle lying upside down. I flipped it and it started crawling, in a very determined fashion. I followed it, and as is known turtles are slow (they could have mutated into faster animals, but on the other hand if you take a look at any turtle you will realize that they don't give a shit about you and your world, and they have no reason to change or mutate into anything. They are fine as they are). So anyway, it took around 20 minutes, and the turtle actually stopped and then suddenly died. The game threw out a message that it was dead (the turtle, not the game), and asked me how long *I* think I have left. The game is mocking me. But there was a treasure hidden x feet under where the turtle died.
b) There is an issue of a PC gaming magazine, dating back to the 80s. I assume it is a real magazine, which wrote about Wasteland 1 back in the day.
c) There are rabbits there, that act like that tiny rabbit in that Monty Python movie, except they are 15 times bigger (at least!). Once you kill them (you don't have a choice), you get rabbit ears and rabbit tails. And they both say that they can create a ...um... fancy costume. I have to figure out if I can make a fancy costume like that. One of my characters totally deserves it. He a big strong anti-social dude.

If I was a robot..

So if I was a robot without any social software, but a capable global/universal software that can teach itself anything, and I wanted to master social skill, I would run into a lot of problems.

The first problem that I would run in to is defining social skill. If I am a robot, how am I supposed to know which of the following phenomena this skill refers to: being friends with all/being liked by all, foster others' potential by mastering what things to express to awaken their absolute well-being, or simply to get along with others with minimized effort on my part plus as highly reduced as possible chance of conflict?

As a robot, I don't give a fuck. My far superior brain that is made out of fucking CABLES couldn't give a tiniest shit about other people's potential or getting their approval. These don't even come close to standards that I have. As a robot.

But as a robot, I was programmed to chose at least one of these options, and to maximize the level of awesomeness within my own ..let's sayyyy.. platinum case, I decide to max out the software that deals with other beings by striving for minimal conflict, while at the same time without losing any self-respect (despite the platinum case). I would strive to pass every day life by following these particular points:

  • Before saying something, think: am I insulting the other person or at the very least making them appear in a negative light?
  • Whatever said by the other person that hurts my pride can be ignored, because the only thing it does is hurt my ego, and my ego no one cares about except me. 
Then can my mysterious existence continue without these unnecessary daily struggles that otherwise result from misunderstanding.

The Outlast Log

In anticipation of what is to come, I launch Outlast.

The Launch goes smoothly. I have experience. I know what I can expect from old house. From old insane asylum.

---20 minutes within I need to call my brother for support. My brother does not have time. This is my first Launch alone. I can handle it. I move on. There has been only movement so far, and no Exposure.

---27 minutes within. There is sweat on keyboard. I exit and take a long warm shower. I wonder if I have a weak heart. There was a first Exposure. I recall a comic strip depicting people who Launch. The strip ranged these people from controlled cool attitude, to chaotic restless scared attitude, while within Launch. They forgot to add a picture of a person lying in a hospital bed with sign "intense heart attack" attached to the locale.

---45 minutes within, I start to learn tactics. Maybe there is a chance afterall. Breathe and stay calm in your head, makes a better preparation for what may [----or----m-a-y----not---{] come.

---53 minutes within. Weak exposure. Pounding heart. But no jump away from screen in panic this time. I feel that, this session within Launch this day, is concluded. I feel calm, as I exit. Happy.
                                                                                                        September 4, 2013

Next day I am better prepared. I have a few beers. I listen to some heavy metal. My spirits are up, and I feel ready to take on whatever challenge is thrown.

----ten minutes pass and despite no Exposure, I am scared. I pause the Launch. I think. There is darkness. There is inevitable Exposure. I keep the pause and walk around, pacing down stairs to see if I can take my mind of it. There is no jam in the kitchen.
```````so I call my brother again. He is walking by a graveyard, and there is only 1% of battery left in his phone. Why is this familiar.
````Bro says he understands. We survived the Launch within Amnesia together. His advice to go to the kitchen and have a snack to relax. There is no fucking jam in the kitchen. Or, there is, but it is frozen to ice. Red, melting, juicy, yet too cold.

-----approximately 83 minutes within (a grasp of time is starting to become blurry) I am ultimately Exposed. Panick. Pounding heart. I breathe un-normally. 

---91 minutes within Launch. I am calmer. I learn. I have a better understanding, th ..//[{o..ee..po..¿]...

that I can be flexible. In darkness and on wet ground, there are flooshing sounds. They are horrifying. What is behind me? To the left? They are my own footsteps.
---96 minutes within, there is a chase. I survive. I survive the basement. I return. I exit Launch. Today's is done. I am calm. _-101 minutes within.|

September 5, 2013

---- I redisappear. Why is there dark within familiar, and why are there two powerful threatening elements instead of the usual one?

                -]}enter, flash, apo-strophý, no rupppian
the thoughts are endless and of EONIC stuff. There was body that ran into cell, and it was gone when I peered inside. I looked down to touch the door-knob to open it because of my [CURIOUS NATUre]. 

September 15, 2013

Wide Angle Cat is Wide Angle

Consider this: can cats be left- and right-pawed? 

In Anticipation For A New Work Position

What does one do when something new is coming, in a few days, today, tomorrow? Everyone starts a new job all the time, and most of us are nervous prior to starting the first day at work. How to deal with that?

I, first of all, proposed myself to analyze the problem. What makes me nervous? I considered (apart from the lilies) that I need to make an impression on my colleagues on first day. But that doesn't really matter, tons of psychological research and simple life observation of yourself and other people, show that in the end people are really self-centered and in many cases are entirely obsessed with how they present themselves in regards to you, even though you are the new homo sapiens in the gang. So this wasn't what makes me nervous.

Next, your job itself. It's new, and you don't know what you will be doing, although you might have received some training and a theoretical description. I tried to compare myself with others who have started new jobs recently, and not so recently. I asked them. No one had an idea what they were doing their first day. And every one was nervous prior to their first day. I have been in this situation, and in much worse setting in regards to theoretical knowledge of work I would be doing. Alright, but this still made me nervous.

In the end it boiled down to one simple element: fear of the unknown. That is what makes us, me, nervous in regards to everything. It is not something specific. It is not fear of whether a colleague will like me or not, if I will be able to accomplish anything among my new tasks tomorrow, or if I will make a fool of myself. The latter is in any case a case of myself, no one but me will care if I make a fool of myself. Maybe this part even lies in the expression of the phenomena itself: I make a fool of myself, it implies a self-centered perception of what certain, to an extent critical (or important), things I will deem to make an impact on my self-esteem. It doesn't matter to anyone else, but me. Otherwise it would be called "Others will make a fool of myself".

Fear of the unknown. Envisioning your first day at work is a very simple picture of a location, maybe a specific task, and a certainly faceless person(s) around you. Because you, I, are self-centered, the faceless person(s) are looking at you, me. These three elements are surrounded by darkness, and you have no idea what is beyond it. It is not fear of the dark that is heavy to deal with, but the idea of what might be lurking in the dark. And it could be anything. In turn, this fear makes us stressed and when stressed, we tend to perceive things more negatively. Therefore seldom we will consider that this darkness actually can have a whole ton of good and nice things, i.e., support and help from colleagues, pleasant physical work environment. It may even hide things such as that because it is your first day, no one will expect you to work out wonders and jump into the job straight away, mostly because they have all had their own first day at the same work you will be in, and they have experienced the same fear of the unknown.

What I wish Steam Cards did and didn't do

Steam Cards came as a very pleasant surprise and I was very enthusiastic about it. It however, turned out to be a major disappointment. Most of all, it is annoying how pointless, dumbed-down, easily-accessible it has turned out to be.

I was a paper boy once, for 5 years. I first spent my tiny salary in heavy, black, death and funeral doom metal CD's. Then I discovered Magic The Gathering, so I bought less heavy music and more booster packs. I knew that I could buy single cards separately, and that entering draft tournaments also was a good way of getting good cards, that one could trade if un-needed later (but I was socially awkward so I did not join this cabooga). But opening a new pack and seeing what Rare golden card I would get was magical. Not the least because I always had a chance at the best card in a whole set. This magic (HÆHÆ) is entirely gone in Steam Trading Cards. What they have can be compared to a booster pack for each game. There are 6 or 10 or 15 or so, cards, and that is it. None of them are rare, nor uncommon. They are all common. So what it feels like is opening a booster pack with an X amount of common cards. That is already pretty demotivating, but what makes it even less fun is that you only get half of these cards. The rest don't drop. The rest you can get by trading or buying, and in collector games, the easiest accessible way is always the one that a collector will choose. In effect, you can collect all cards 5 times by spending around 4-10€ (depending on the game) in 10 minutes. The scarcity principle that makes collecting games so fun is non-existent. 

There is no magic in it. No excitement. 

To compare to Magic The Gathering: the most unique cards can also be bought, but they are expensive as hell. And sooner or later they will be sold out. Steam Cards won't, because every new player among potential millions will generate new cards.

There is no concept around it, only extremely easily accessible content to anyone who wants it. It is like Diablo 3 items: the most fun legendary items didn't seem so magical once you saw hundreds of them listed in Auction House: not only did it remove the scarcity principle by showing that there are so many of them, but also by introducing the feeling that no one wants them.

It is like taking a pill that makes you full, instead of eating a really nice dinner with dessert. Reading a 20 minute long summary of all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad instead of watching it. Problem is you still want it because it is slightly entertaining, but the dumbed down simpleness of it makes it frustrating.

Gramvousa and the Balos Lagoon

We went to Crete and then we visit Gramvousa.

The abandoned ship ruin was very interesting to explore, but there was no time. This was on island A. Made me think of Far Cry 3.

Island B had the Blue-Green Balos Lagoon, and very much wind. I would love to explore it with no humans there what so ever. I think it would have given me three-four days worth of landscape photography motives, especially long shutter speed experiments and polarizing filter, as the water was so insanely clear everywhere.

The nature of the Balos Lagoon is mysterious. I can't find any specific information on how it became divided in two parts, especially the one with knee deep water for a km or two. Has it been dry? How did it become geographically?

In such trips I always want to rather see places where tourists don't go. A random cottage that has been built in the last 50 years in that place that is abandoned gives me so much more atmosphere than a fort that has been made presentable for tourists, or in Gramvousa case overrun by tourists and their trash. (<--- shame). That was what drew me to the boat ruin: no one seemed interested in it. (<--- this is hipster tourist).

The Balos Lagoon had something that looked like another small fishing boat ruin farther up on the wild beach on the right side. (<-- also no puny humans, so must have been good, by mental shortcut). The wild beach beyond the knee-deep lagoon was hard to walk on barefoot, and we didn't have time because of the boat waiting to return. Dream in making! Spend 36 hours in the Balos Lagoon with camera (<--- at least).

What if

What if they both are married to other people.
What if they are taking the same plane and it gets delayed. The insurance offers them rooms in the same hotel.
They sit in their rooms and think. After a little while they both can't resist the lust and one of them goes to the other one's room. They have sex twice. They cheat on their husband and wife. They say good bye next morning after they leave the plane as if nothing had ever happened. They feel guilty and ponder how they will keep this a secret.
She gets pregnant. Her wife is a lesbian. She weighs pros and cons of abortion. She decides for it, but the abortion clinic says it is too late, because she has been pregnant for several months already. This doesn't make sense, she scratches her head. It has only been a few weeks. She hasn't had sex with another man since she was 21, it was the one in the forest. What is going on?
Then he gets pregnant. He sees his belly swell up. He throws up in the mornings. He almost threw up on old lady in the bus. The lady shouted something he couldn't make sense of while he was sprinting out through half open bus door, creaking its switches. He threw up 10 feet away from a garbage can in a park. He thought he had cancer, when this repeated itself for another week. So he made an appointment with a friend of a friend, a doctor. He was supposed to be good.
Two days later she calls him. He didn't have the energy to think and ask how she got hold of his number, but he agrees to meet her in a café in the outskirts of the town. She sounded urgent.
She parked her car in the lot. And she walked towards the café. Saw his hat inside, and she felt as if she was walking in slow motion. Finally, several minute-seconds later, she sits down next to him. He looks drained. Tired. Messy.
A man gets closer to their table. Long coat. Boots. Dirty boots. Hat. Glasses. With fat on them. She turns her head, attention drawn against him, as he passed closer and closer to their table and looks at him. Now time turns even more slow motion. It's the man she had sex with 12 years ago in the woods.